What I Love About Life

I was asked to write a brief list of all I love about life. How does one even begin to talk about this? How can such an enormous concept be articulated in mere words? How can the inexpressible be expressed? Below is my effort.

What I love about life:

I love the sunrise and being able to greet each new day with a sense of hope, joy, and renewal.

I love the smell of autumn dew, and the feeling of rejuvenation it conjures.

I love the sound of a horse’s hooves as it trots across the ground.

I love the ocean, and the sound of seagulls.

I love to gaze at the stars with wonder, pondering the existence of some other species considering the same. Taking in the vastness of space as it fills my soul with excitement.

I love how time can stand completely still when peering into the eyes of a lover. The feeling of their breath draft across my skin, and the warmth of their lips conjoined with mine.

I love the sound of music. I love how it can make me feel solace while in despair and uplift me when I’m happy.

I love playing my guitar, and revel in the ability to bring to life all my deepest thoughts and feelings.

I love the feeling of a pet on my lap, and how it is an expression of their complete trust and unconditional love.

I love the deep friendships that can form between two separate beings. Friendships that transcend time, distance and borders. Friendships that uplift and empower me. Friendships that make my heart overflow with pure bliss.

I love the light in a baby’s eyes as it experiences new things, and the sense of reverence she experiences.

I love how the seasons ebb and flow, bringing changes in weather and tradition.

I love family, and how many can develop even without direct relation.

I love weddings, and how they always make me weep.

I love signing, even if I’m not remotely good at it.

I love the feeling of another human’s hand in mine. The way, if only for a moment, we are greater than the sum of our parts.

I love science, and how it always makes me think. The feeling of amazement when something we thought was right, turns out not to be.

I love learning. Expanding my knowledge and broadening my mind engulfs me with a feeling of exaltation. I love that I never want to stop learning.

I love sitting around a campfire with my closest friends. I especially love that the smell of the smoke lingers on my clothes, so that I can remember the experience until the next wash.

I love being selfless, and seeing other people do the same.

I love art and how a canvas, brush, and pigments can shake me to my very soul.

I love the laughter of children and how they can see what is truly around them. How they can explore the world with more skill and cunning than adults.

I love the open road and how traversing it inside a vehicle can empty my mind.

I love praying and how it directly connects me with source.

I love the taste of hot cocoa, with extra whipped cream. I love how it makes me laugh seeing myself or someone else with a bit of it on their nose.

I love laying on the roof of a house while I view a meteor shower. I love spending that time when someone who is dear to me.

I love making love with my partner, and how it can transport us to another realm, if only for a while.

I love knowing that one day I’ll marry the woman of my dreams. I love the excitement of the journey to find her, even if it takes some uphill hiking.

I love that I’m crying while I write this. I love how tears can be an expression of our profound emotions.

Lastly, but certainly not least, I love you.

It has been ages since I've written on this blog. I don't think it has any followers anyways, so in reality this is just a way for me to get all my bullshit out there. It's been literally 5 years since I've posted a blog entry. I've probably not even journaled in that time either. Holy crap does time fly by. Life has been such a fast paced tragedy for me. Since my last post, I entered into a committed relationship, helped raise her child, and learned so much about myself. That relationship just ended a few weeks ago. It was my choice. I can't commit to someone who doesn't understand the needs of their partner, and doesn't let their partner be who they are. But since that has happened, and I've had less time to worry about taking children to day care, and making my partner happy, so I have opened up a whole host of emotions I didn't honestly know I was holding on to. They suck. Balls. I don't know how else to even describe them. Two words... Emotional dependence. That is me currently in a nutshell. It's not healthy, and I need to work myself out of it. But boy does it feel good to be around people who are as emotionally free and loving as I am. Confusing, but it feels good. I don't even know where to go from here.... maybe I'll get back into blogging and the flow will become easier. Who know. This is a new chapter in my life, and I'm not sure what's going to happen from here. All I can say, it universe bring it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Self realization? Are you sure? Okay!!

That is exactly how it is going down.

I came to Dicentra with the desire to realize who I am. Let me just say, be careful what you wish for.

The universe will always, and without fail, give us everything we ask for. Period. The universe does not understand NO. It only responds with, "Yes". Like a genie (your wish is my command). That being said, the universe is giving me exactly what I asked for. Introspection, and self realization. And so far, it's sucked!

It's hard to articulate in words, but I'll give it a whirl. Dicentra has provided me a way to cast out all distraction, and all external influences, and allows me to focus completely on myself. And with all those walls stripped down, myself is scary as hell.

A lot of deep seeded (thought vanished) emotions have surfaced during my time here at Dicentra. I've realized I've a lot of self love to learn, and I have a lot of uncertainties and insecurities about the future. I'm on a path to figure out exactly who I am, and what my purpose is. And the lack of a concrete picture of my future scares me shitless.

But, I don't think my self discovery is over. I have a feeling spirit, and Dicentra, have a lot more things to teach me about myself.

Change...

Change is difficult.

In fact, some times it can be down right depressing. Acclimation into my new living environment / state / people has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster for me. Ups and downs, all along the spectrum of emotion. As I write this, I find myself feeling a longing for acceptance. Not only did I move to another state, I moved somewhere where I don't know people. I don't have many established friendships up here. As a very social being, I need my friends around in order to feel settled. So that is something I have to work on.

I also find myself going through an emotional purge. Emotions I did not know were still a part of who I am are surfacing, and I'm not sure how to deal with them quite yet. Hopefully some clarification will come soon.

I'm on a hunt for a job up here. I am putting out some good vibes, and expecting something soon.

Last night was a bit of an emotional night. I helped to kill a goose for dinner. While I did not make the cut myself, I did hold the bird down to be slaughtered. I couldn't help but cry as it was dying. An expression of gratitude was given to the poor bird.

Well I suppose that was all that was on my mind this morning.

My Journey from the Playa to Dicentra

Each year during the last week of August an event takes place where tens of thousands of people get together in the desert, with one primary goal, to let go. Burning Man, which is hosted in the Black Rock Desert of Nevada, changed my life.

Anyone with a vague understanding and working knowledge of what Burning Man is can tell you that the event is huge. 60,000 people attending a festival, harsh weather, lots of money, etc.

And while Black Rock City can be a harsh mistress, she can provide such insight and clarity or mind that it is bewildering.

Let go? The Playa said, "James, you want to let go? Here we go!". While at BRC I lost some very important belongings. My jacket, my camel-bag (which was gifted to me), both pairs of goggles, my eye-glasses, my cup, etc. Material objects that I felt to be somewhat important, all stolen by the Playa. That is of course, until I learned to let them go. Once I did that, the majority of my "important" items came back to me.

Now, having learned this important lesson while on the Playa, I saw myself surrounded by clutter, needless items, and just could not feel comfortable in my "default home".

I came back with a desire to expand myself, provide service to others, deeper my spiritual connection with myself and the planet, and to be a part of something that was larger than myself.

Then, I found Dicentra Farm.

I've wanted to farm for a while. Even before the events which transpired at Burning Man. I just never knew how I would achieve it. How would I pay my bills? What would I do with all my stuff? What would happen? Blah blah blah. "Let go", said the voice in the back of my head. That important lesson from the Playa carried over into my default life. So let go, I did.

After speaking with Carly (a co-host from the radio show outlined in my previous blog post) and getting all the specifics, I decided to travel light. I sold/donated/trashed all of my belongings which I did not need.

That was an awesome and freeing experience.

The trip up to Dicentra was about an eleven hour journey. I left at 3:30 in the morning, and arrived a little after 2:30 in the afternoon. I was so excited when I arrived, I could barely stand it! When I drove up to the farm, I was greeted by my friend Carly, and her adorable dog, Tai.



A somewhat exhausted Carly gave me a tour of the primary farm grounds, with instructions on how to escort myself into the woods to see the Forest Sanctuary. I spent the rest of my day unloading my stuff into my new living quarters.







The next day I woke up around 7:00am. While the rest of the farm was still sleeping (minus the geese and chickens) I decided to take a walk back into the woods as Carly suggested. My journey mate was Tai. I had no idea what awaited me after the mile and half (or so) walk back into the woods. Let me tell you how excited I was when I saw it all.

The walk to the woods was a beautiful one. I was surrounded by fall colors, fields, and gorgeous skies.



The woods provided such unimaginable and breathtaking sights.

The greeting sign once inside the woods I found to be quite cute. (Random tid-bit, Leave No Trace is one of the principals of Burning Man)



Once I walked deeper into the woods, I saw ritual spaces, prayer flags, an awesome swing, bells, and even a hammock.







At the very end of the woodland journey, I found a beautiful river.



Now, I sat by this river for some time. Ran my hands under the cold water, gave thanks to the river and nature for it's beauty, and meditated for a bit. What was to be experienced next was something I was not expecting.

Samhain is quickly approaching, a time where the veil between the worlds (living and dead) is thinnest. It is during this time of the year where the strongest spiritual and ghostly presences can be sensed.

While sitting and meditating at the river I felt a sense of ancestral energy creep up, then I felt the direct presence of my father and grandfather. I was so shocked, and caught off guard by this experience, that I quickly left the area. Not only did I promptly leave, I bolted. When I returned the next day, no presence was felt.

So far my experience at Dicentra Farm and Forest Sanctuary has been incredible. I very much look forward to writing about the experiences which are to come.

Energy, Enlightenment, and Esoteric Knowledge - First Show

I am hosting a blogtalkradio show every Friday from 7-8pm PST.

Blogtalkradio Channel: DeLight Conversations

Last Friday was my first show, and boy was it interesting. I was extremely nervous to be conducting a live show. In the past all vlogs / pod casts that I have recorded have not been live, and were able to be edited prior to an audience hearing them. So needless to say my first live podcast was filled with a variety of pauses, ummms, laughter, and complete derailing of my thought train.

It wasn't all bad though. I was surprised that people I did not even know where tuning in to listen to what I had to say. I had a caller who was disagreeing with what I was saying, and confronted me about it. I was not prepared to deal with that, but I feel as though I responded in a way that allowed there to not be a confrontation. Not only that, but the conversation that caller and I shared helped to shape the topic of next Friday's show!

I've been recently struggling with various aspects of my life, and I hope that being involved in this radio show will provide focus, and assist me along my path.

Also, it's forcing me to become more active in blogging.. I'm excited about that!

October 14, 2010

As I began my exodus into Oakland today (and I say exodus because it truly was) I made some startling observations. I was sitting on the BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) train, and decided to observe the other passengers. What I saw can be summed up in a single word, sad.

As I looked around the train, I searched for a single smile, but found not one. Everyone was so absorbed in their own personal bubbles. Folks were reading newspapers, listening to music, texting, anything but engaging in human interaction. This behavior, or lack of behavior I should say, bewildered me. How can people who are in such close proximity, not even speak?

I began to think further about how humans interact with one another. We are all connected. We breathe the same air, drink the same water, exchange energy, and live on the same planet. We are all formed the same way, we all cry, we all experience joy. There is very little that separates us. Yet in this modern world, why do we find ourselves segregating ourselves? We fight religious wars; steal from one another, exercise control and power over those weaker than us. I began to think about how we can all transcend this current state of heterogeneousness.

If we open our eyes and realize that, to further our evolution as a species, we must come together to learn from one another and apply the knowledge gained. The benefits of lowering our weapons and opening our heart to one another are astronomical. Just think about what life would be like if we brought an end to senseless fighting, bigotry, and hatred. What would happen then? I assure you, it would be the next stage of human evolution. What purpose does all the negative emotions we harbor towards one another serve?

At this point I became distracted by the view from the window of the train. My eyes were drawn to the beautiful blue sky, and the burning bright sun. And I began to ponder what people thought about the Earth in which we live. Do they know how amazing it all is? How breathtaking? The way in which the Earth and the rest of the universe work together to sustain life is the symphony of the cosmos. Lately, every time I look up at the sun, I smile. For years, I would just look at it and say, yup that’s a star! Only until I learned how it works, did I have that nonchalant mentality. Let me give you a quick run down. The sun is a burning ball of gas and energy. Two atoms of hydrogen, colliding at a very fast velocity, combine to create a helium atom. The energy produced by this fusion is what we experience as heat and light. Granted the process is much more detailed than that, but for the sake of simplicity, that is how the sun works. How amazing is that? The photons emitted by the sun could quickly kill us, dehydrate our oceans, and destroy the Earth as we know it. Why doesn’t it? You can thank the planets electromagnetic field. See how harmonious it all is? That’s nature’s way of turning a frown upside down =). I suppose that’s all I had on my mind this morning as I was traveling to my exam. Which I did not pass, by the way. Oh well, there is always next time!

-James