Self realization? Are you sure? Okay!!

That is exactly how it is going down.

I came to Dicentra with the desire to realize who I am. Let me just say, be careful what you wish for.

The universe will always, and without fail, give us everything we ask for. Period. The universe does not understand NO. It only responds with, "Yes". Like a genie (your wish is my command). That being said, the universe is giving me exactly what I asked for. Introspection, and self realization. And so far, it's sucked!

It's hard to articulate in words, but I'll give it a whirl. Dicentra has provided me a way to cast out all distraction, and all external influences, and allows me to focus completely on myself. And with all those walls stripped down, myself is scary as hell.

A lot of deep seeded (thought vanished) emotions have surfaced during my time here at Dicentra. I've realized I've a lot of self love to learn, and I have a lot of uncertainties and insecurities about the future. I'm on a path to figure out exactly who I am, and what my purpose is. And the lack of a concrete picture of my future scares me shitless.

But, I don't think my self discovery is over. I have a feeling spirit, and Dicentra, have a lot more things to teach me about myself.

Change...

Change is difficult.

In fact, some times it can be down right depressing. Acclimation into my new living environment / state / people has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster for me. Ups and downs, all along the spectrum of emotion. As I write this, I find myself feeling a longing for acceptance. Not only did I move to another state, I moved somewhere where I don't know people. I don't have many established friendships up here. As a very social being, I need my friends around in order to feel settled. So that is something I have to work on.

I also find myself going through an emotional purge. Emotions I did not know were still a part of who I am are surfacing, and I'm not sure how to deal with them quite yet. Hopefully some clarification will come soon.

I'm on a hunt for a job up here. I am putting out some good vibes, and expecting something soon.

Last night was a bit of an emotional night. I helped to kill a goose for dinner. While I did not make the cut myself, I did hold the bird down to be slaughtered. I couldn't help but cry as it was dying. An expression of gratitude was given to the poor bird.

Well I suppose that was all that was on my mind this morning.

My Journey from the Playa to Dicentra

Each year during the last week of August an event takes place where tens of thousands of people get together in the desert, with one primary goal, to let go. Burning Man, which is hosted in the Black Rock Desert of Nevada, changed my life.

Anyone with a vague understanding and working knowledge of what Burning Man is can tell you that the event is huge. 60,000 people attending a festival, harsh weather, lots of money, etc.

And while Black Rock City can be a harsh mistress, she can provide such insight and clarity or mind that it is bewildering.

Let go? The Playa said, "James, you want to let go? Here we go!". While at BRC I lost some very important belongings. My jacket, my camel-bag (which was gifted to me), both pairs of goggles, my eye-glasses, my cup, etc. Material objects that I felt to be somewhat important, all stolen by the Playa. That is of course, until I learned to let them go. Once I did that, the majority of my "important" items came back to me.

Now, having learned this important lesson while on the Playa, I saw myself surrounded by clutter, needless items, and just could not feel comfortable in my "default home".

I came back with a desire to expand myself, provide service to others, deeper my spiritual connection with myself and the planet, and to be a part of something that was larger than myself.

Then, I found Dicentra Farm.

I've wanted to farm for a while. Even before the events which transpired at Burning Man. I just never knew how I would achieve it. How would I pay my bills? What would I do with all my stuff? What would happen? Blah blah blah. "Let go", said the voice in the back of my head. That important lesson from the Playa carried over into my default life. So let go, I did.

After speaking with Carly (a co-host from the radio show outlined in my previous blog post) and getting all the specifics, I decided to travel light. I sold/donated/trashed all of my belongings which I did not need.

That was an awesome and freeing experience.

The trip up to Dicentra was about an eleven hour journey. I left at 3:30 in the morning, and arrived a little after 2:30 in the afternoon. I was so excited when I arrived, I could barely stand it! When I drove up to the farm, I was greeted by my friend Carly, and her adorable dog, Tai.



A somewhat exhausted Carly gave me a tour of the primary farm grounds, with instructions on how to escort myself into the woods to see the Forest Sanctuary. I spent the rest of my day unloading my stuff into my new living quarters.







The next day I woke up around 7:00am. While the rest of the farm was still sleeping (minus the geese and chickens) I decided to take a walk back into the woods as Carly suggested. My journey mate was Tai. I had no idea what awaited me after the mile and half (or so) walk back into the woods. Let me tell you how excited I was when I saw it all.

The walk to the woods was a beautiful one. I was surrounded by fall colors, fields, and gorgeous skies.



The woods provided such unimaginable and breathtaking sights.

The greeting sign once inside the woods I found to be quite cute. (Random tid-bit, Leave No Trace is one of the principals of Burning Man)



Once I walked deeper into the woods, I saw ritual spaces, prayer flags, an awesome swing, bells, and even a hammock.







At the very end of the woodland journey, I found a beautiful river.



Now, I sat by this river for some time. Ran my hands under the cold water, gave thanks to the river and nature for it's beauty, and meditated for a bit. What was to be experienced next was something I was not expecting.

Samhain is quickly approaching, a time where the veil between the worlds (living and dead) is thinnest. It is during this time of the year where the strongest spiritual and ghostly presences can be sensed.

While sitting and meditating at the river I felt a sense of ancestral energy creep up, then I felt the direct presence of my father and grandfather. I was so shocked, and caught off guard by this experience, that I quickly left the area. Not only did I promptly leave, I bolted. When I returned the next day, no presence was felt.

So far my experience at Dicentra Farm and Forest Sanctuary has been incredible. I very much look forward to writing about the experiences which are to come.

Energy, Enlightenment, and Esoteric Knowledge - First Show

I am hosting a blogtalkradio show every Friday from 7-8pm PST.

Blogtalkradio Channel: DeLight Conversations

Last Friday was my first show, and boy was it interesting. I was extremely nervous to be conducting a live show. In the past all vlogs / pod casts that I have recorded have not been live, and were able to be edited prior to an audience hearing them. So needless to say my first live podcast was filled with a variety of pauses, ummms, laughter, and complete derailing of my thought train.

It wasn't all bad though. I was surprised that people I did not even know where tuning in to listen to what I had to say. I had a caller who was disagreeing with what I was saying, and confronted me about it. I was not prepared to deal with that, but I feel as though I responded in a way that allowed there to not be a confrontation. Not only that, but the conversation that caller and I shared helped to shape the topic of next Friday's show!

I've been recently struggling with various aspects of my life, and I hope that being involved in this radio show will provide focus, and assist me along my path.

Also, it's forcing me to become more active in blogging.. I'm excited about that!