October 14, 2010

As I began my exodus into Oakland today (and I say exodus because it truly was) I made some startling observations. I was sitting on the BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) train, and decided to observe the other passengers. What I saw can be summed up in a single word, sad.

As I looked around the train, I searched for a single smile, but found not one. Everyone was so absorbed in their own personal bubbles. Folks were reading newspapers, listening to music, texting, anything but engaging in human interaction. This behavior, or lack of behavior I should say, bewildered me. How can people who are in such close proximity, not even speak?

I began to think further about how humans interact with one another. We are all connected. We breathe the same air, drink the same water, exchange energy, and live on the same planet. We are all formed the same way, we all cry, we all experience joy. There is very little that separates us. Yet in this modern world, why do we find ourselves segregating ourselves? We fight religious wars; steal from one another, exercise control and power over those weaker than us. I began to think about how we can all transcend this current state of heterogeneousness.

If we open our eyes and realize that, to further our evolution as a species, we must come together to learn from one another and apply the knowledge gained. The benefits of lowering our weapons and opening our heart to one another are astronomical. Just think about what life would be like if we brought an end to senseless fighting, bigotry, and hatred. What would happen then? I assure you, it would be the next stage of human evolution. What purpose does all the negative emotions we harbor towards one another serve?

At this point I became distracted by the view from the window of the train. My eyes were drawn to the beautiful blue sky, and the burning bright sun. And I began to ponder what people thought about the Earth in which we live. Do they know how amazing it all is? How breathtaking? The way in which the Earth and the rest of the universe work together to sustain life is the symphony of the cosmos. Lately, every time I look up at the sun, I smile. For years, I would just look at it and say, yup that’s a star! Only until I learned how it works, did I have that nonchalant mentality. Let me give you a quick run down. The sun is a burning ball of gas and energy. Two atoms of hydrogen, colliding at a very fast velocity, combine to create a helium atom. The energy produced by this fusion is what we experience as heat and light. Granted the process is much more detailed than that, but for the sake of simplicity, that is how the sun works. How amazing is that? The photons emitted by the sun could quickly kill us, dehydrate our oceans, and destroy the Earth as we know it. Why doesn’t it? You can thank the planets electromagnetic field. See how harmonious it all is? That’s nature’s way of turning a frown upside down =). I suppose that’s all I had on my mind this morning as I was traveling to my exam. Which I did not pass, by the way. Oh well, there is always next time!

-James

Not able to sleep.. Just thinking..

Insomnia is annoying. Not being able to sleep tends to cause my mind to wander, and focus on a multitude of ideas at once. Under usual circumstances nothing of importance or revelation comes out of this. Tonight, however, proved to not be one of those nights.

As I'm focusing on the inside of my eyelids a thought comes to mind. "What am I doing?" What a bizarre and random question that is. What am I doing right now, with my life, what? Such a vague question. But then I really begin to ponder.

I'm 25, single, living on my own, have a stable job, and great friends. Why do I feel so unfulfilled? What is missing? I often talk about things I want to do, aspire to do, yet never seem to do them. What do I need to accomplish? What am I supposed to accomplish? All of my life I've felt a calling towards something, but have been unsure of what that is. I think I've figure it out.

It may be cliché to say, but I want to help people. Yet again another vague statement, which could mean a variety of things. Help people how? Become a doctor? No I don't think so. How about a counselor? I'm nowhere near mentally stable enough for that. What am I supposed to do? I want to impact the world, in a positive way. I want to create change, bring happiness to people, and help people end suffering. How do I do this? Such a huge task, with many variables. There is so much I can do, but where do I start?

All throughout my high school years, I was active in various different activism groups. Student voice, the GSA, etc. I've always had a passion for exposing what is causing us suffering, and trying to alleviate it. There is so much suffering in the world. It's all over the media! A bombing here, disease there, a world full of unhappiness and pain. Senseless wars, that seem to go on for ages. Economical down-falls, people losing their jobs left and right. All of this is so much. How am I supposed to do anything to change any of this?

My life currently is, turbulent, to say the least. I'm so unsure of so many things. Where do I belong in the world? What is my purpose? What am I supposed to be doing? All of these questions haunt me. I'm searching for the answers, yet they seem to be just out of reach. I have so many wide-eyed ideas and aspirations, yet can't seem to achieve them. I truly have no idea where to begin.

I don't mean to sound negative, or unhappy. I'm truly not. I'm happy with so many things. Yet there is always this looming presence and feeling of unfulfillment. Something is missing. Something I can't seem to find. I'm searching, frantically in fact. I don't expect instant gratification, or for the missing piece of my life to be handed to me on a silver platter. I don't mind working hard, and earning what I'm looking for. In fact, what a sense of accomplishment I'll feel after having striven so long and hard. It would just be nice to know where the path I’m on is headed.

I'm completely different from who I was a year ago. I used to be a hermit. I would stay indoors and keep to myself. Now, I'm out and about on a consistent basis. I spend more time with friends, with family, with nature. I'm trying to keep busy, staying focused on living life to the fullest. But, even with all of these positive changes, something is still missing. A void I'm unsure how to fill. Please don't think I'm depressed, or completely unhappy with life. That is not the case. I have tons going for me, I truly do. I just want to find this one missing part of myself.

I'm so thankful for those people I have in my life. Thank you for everything. Thank you for listening, and understanding. For wanting to be a part of my life. I'll keep searching for what I'm missing. Just promise to help me find my way back if I get too off course?

-James