Insomnia is annoying. Not being able to sleep tends to cause my mind to wander, and focus on a multitude of ideas at once. Under usual circumstances nothing of importance or revelation comes out of this. Tonight, however, proved to not be one of those nights.
As I'm focusing on the inside of my eyelids a thought comes to mind. "What am I doing?" What a bizarre and random question that is. What am I doing right now, with my life, what? Such a vague question. But then I really begin to ponder.
I'm 25, single, living on my own, have a stable job, and great friends. Why do I feel so unfulfilled? What is missing? I often talk about things I want to do, aspire to do, yet never seem to do them. What do I need to accomplish? What am I supposed to accomplish? All of my life I've felt a calling towards something, but have been unsure of what that is. I think I've figure it out.
It may be cliché to say, but I want to help people. Yet again another vague statement, which could mean a variety of things. Help people how? Become a doctor? No I don't think so. How about a counselor? I'm nowhere near mentally stable enough for that. What am I supposed to do? I want to impact the world, in a positive way. I want to create change, bring happiness to people, and help people end suffering. How do I do this? Such a huge task, with many variables. There is so much I can do, but where do I start?
All throughout my high school years, I was active in various different activism groups. Student voice, the GSA, etc. I've always had a passion for exposing what is causing us suffering, and trying to alleviate it. There is so much suffering in the world. It's all over the media! A bombing here, disease there, a world full of unhappiness and pain. Senseless wars, that seem to go on for ages. Economical down-falls, people losing their jobs left and right. All of this is so much. How am I supposed to do anything to change any of this?
My life currently is, turbulent, to say the least. I'm so unsure of so many things. Where do I belong in the world? What is my purpose? What am I supposed to be doing? All of these questions haunt me. I'm searching for the answers, yet they seem to be just out of reach. I have so many wide-eyed ideas and aspirations, yet can't seem to achieve them. I truly have no idea where to begin.
I don't mean to sound negative, or unhappy. I'm truly not. I'm happy with so many things. Yet there is always this looming presence and feeling of unfulfillment. Something is missing. Something I can't seem to find. I'm searching, frantically in fact. I don't expect instant gratification, or for the missing piece of my life to be handed to me on a silver platter. I don't mind working hard, and earning what I'm looking for. In fact, what a sense of accomplishment I'll feel after having striven so long and hard. It would just be nice to know where the path I’m on is headed.
I'm completely different from who I was a year ago. I used to be a hermit. I would stay indoors and keep to myself. Now, I'm out and about on a consistent basis. I spend more time with friends, with family, with nature. I'm trying to keep busy, staying focused on living life to the fullest. But, even with all of these positive changes, something is still missing. A void I'm unsure how to fill. Please don't think I'm depressed, or completely unhappy with life. That is not the case. I have tons going for me, I truly do. I just want to find this one missing part of myself.
I'm so thankful for those people I have in my life. Thank you for everything. Thank you for listening, and understanding. For wanting to be a part of my life. I'll keep searching for what I'm missing. Just promise to help me find my way back if I get too off course?
-James
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